Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm declaring for the NBA Draft

So, I haven’t written in a while. It isn’t that I’ve had a dearth of material, I have manuscripts in various states of completion from everything about Eliot Spitzer, to the Cleveland Cavaliers megatrade a few weeks ago. However, my quarter was winding down, and with finals coming up, and me getting ready to move to Washington DC for a few months, I just haven’t had time to get this finished up…my days are pretty much school, work, gym, study, sleep.

And then it hit me. I don’t have to do this anymore. I have another option. America, I plan on forgoing my senior season here at Ohio State, and declare for the NBA Draft.

A lot of you are probably laughing at this idea right now. I don’t actually play for Ohio State (or Ohio State-Newark for that matter). I haven’t averaged 14 points a game since Church rec league. I’m not even 6 foot. None of that matters, for there are still tons of reasons for an NBA team to take a chance on ol’ Downtown. Here is what I can bring to the table. I’m targeting this to my hometown Cleveland Cavs, but really, the same principles apply.

1) Despite having little formal basketball training, I can guarantee that I will shoot above 55% on free throws. Cleveland, that means I’m better than Ben Wallace.

2) Some might worry about my size. I’m about 5-11, and weigh around 167 pounds. I think, given access to NBA-caliber trainers, nutritionists, and gym equipment, I could get that up to about 180 by next season, at least. Sure, that’s pretty small…but big enough to take a charge from Allen Iverson or Chris Paul….or Eric Snow.

3) You won’t have to worry about me taking bad shot after bad shot. Look, I’m not Larry Hughes. I won’t even shoot if Lebron tells me not to.

4) Basically, I’m good for hustle, running the floor, rebounding, taking charges…basically, I’m a smaller version of Anderson Varejao, even down to being Brazilian. However, I am also *way* better looking than him, so that’ll help a little bit with the merch department. Seriously, Anderson is trying his best to break the stereotype that Brazilians are all good looking…who wants to be the guy wearing his jersey?

5) Think of the total cost of ownership here. I am not demanding 2.4 million to play 60 games and get hurt. Sign me for the league minimum. Sign me for less than that, I don’t care. You want me to spend 3 weeks in Idaho playing for the D-league? Awesome. I’ll be the happiest camper on the team. I’ll even fold towels and do laundry, so you can cut back on expenses.

6) I’d be great in the locker room, and for the community. I can teach players how to talk with the media intelligently about a number of topics. I can tutor the ones who are going back to school. I won’t bicker and fight about money. I’m a Mormon, so you’ll never pick up the paper and find out that I squeezed out 4 shots outside a nightclub at 3 AM. If you’re looking for somebody to read to little kids, or do community service, I’m your guy.

7) Seriously, this would be like, the best thing ever for your karma. You know that movie where the Eagles let a bartender be on the team, and he turned out to be pretty good? Wouldn’t you want that to be your basketball team? Chris Wallace is drooling right now, he wants to sign me to a 3 year deal for 25 million.

Make this happen. I’m leaving these finals and study guides in the dust. I’m going to be Lebron’s sidekick.

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