Friday, May 23, 2008

Breakin down the GOP VP race

Well, my academic obligations are finished, my bags are mostly packed, and I have a few days to chill and relax before I head back to Ohio. I haven’t written in a while, and VP madness seems to be in full swing, so let me handicap the Republican VP choices for you (slow day at work again)

John Huntsman Jr, Gov. Utah.
Pros: Young (46), and quite popular Governor. Huntsman would also provide credibility on economic and domestic issues, something McCain had admitted he knows little about
Cons: Like McCain needs help winning Utah. Utah wouldn’t vote Democratic for a Obama/Joseph Smith ticket.

Bobby Jindal, Gov, Louisiana
Pros: 36-year-old wunderkind already has more domestic political experience than most elderly Washington insiders. Also, he’s the only minority (Indian-American) republican in the entire country, so GOP leadership would love to parade him around.
Cons: Jindal has been governor of a crappy state for like, 3 weeks. Also, remember when McCain lost South Carolina in 2000 because voters were convinced he had a black child? In 2008, they’re going to think he’s RUNNING with one.

Tim Pawlenty, Gov, Minnesota
Pros: Also young, hails from politically competitive upper Midwest, might help McCain steal a democratic state
Cons: Who?

Rob Portman, Former Budget Director, former Congressman, Ohio
Pros: Very competent, wide range of domestic and economic policy experience. Well liked by both parties in Ohio, and could deliver critical swing state.
Cons: Spent past 4 years working on selling Bush’s economic policies. He’s so radioactive right now; he has a tail and 4 eyeballs.

Mike Huckabee, Former Gov, Arkansas
Pros: He’s young, popular with Christian conservatives, and he charms the media. Plus, you tend to smile every time to say the word Huckabee. Try it. See? Its crazy.
Cons: Doesn’t believe in Evolution. Lead sneaking theological smears on Mitt Romney. Was in charge of one of the crappiest states in the union for a decade, in which in failed to get any less crappy. He may be charming, but he’s also batshit insane. Do you want Ned Flanders to be one misplaced McCain heartbeat from the launch codes?

Matt Brown, Very Low Level Government Employee, Ohio
Pros: Very young (21). One of the few possibilities with any minority street cred (Brazilian). Could help deliver critical swing state of Ohio. Popular with young voters. Knows how to work the google on the internet machine.
Cons: Constituently prohibited from taking office of Vice President. Foreign Policy experience consists of a trip to Brazil, and a week camping in Canada. Also, not a Republican.

Mitt Romney, Former Gov of Massachusetts.
Pros: Nationwide name recognition. Perfect Hair. Can speak credibly to Republican audiences on the economy. Only has one wife. Filthy Stinkin’ Rich. Maybe everybody forgot about all that Mormon stuff by now.
Cons: I swear, if Mitt is on the ticket, I’m going inactive until November.

Darth Vader - Galaxy Far Far Away
Pros: Very strong on terrorism and crime. Finds “lack of faith disturbing”. Can totally choke somebody on the Senate floor without actually touching them.
Cons: Dick Cheney already said he isn’t interested.

Semi Serious entry coming soon.

1 comment:

Maya said...

you should probably update this. i'm just saying.