Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Democratic Roundup

I did a little roundup of possible GOP VP candidates a few weeks ago. In the spirit of bipartisanism, (and easy articles), here’s a rundown of possible Dem picks.

Senator Hillary Clinton (NY)

Pros: Ran highly competitive presidential campaign, and controls hundreds of delegates in the national convention. She’s also competitive in demographics that Obama struggles with (poor white people who might just be a teensy bit racist). Also, she’d bring Bill Clinton back into the limelight, which would guarantee that SNL will be funny again for at least 4 more years.

Cons: Kinda hard to run on change when you’re bringing the old president back…who has kind of tragically gone from “endearing Democratic party statesman”, to “whiny little baby”. Also, tens of thousands of Democrats voted against her for a reason.

Gov. Bill Richardson (NM)

Pros: Initial winner of the highly coveted Matt Brown Endorsement, Bill is a popular executive of a critical swing state. He has foreign policy experience, energy experience, legislative experience, executive experience, baseball experience, and now, beard-growing experience. He’ll also shatter the glass ceiling for “Hispanic people with very gringo names”, which has been keeping me down for years.

Cons: He’s not a great campaigner. Plus, he’s probably way overqualified for a cushy job like Vice President.

Former Senator John Edwards (North Carolina)

Pros: He’s positive, photogenic, and popular with the base. Edwards would play right into the campaign theme of “changing Washington”, because Edwards and Obama combined would have less Washington experience than one of those Midwestern tourists who stands on the wrong side of the Metro escalator.

Cons: Wasn’t exactly a helpful addition to John Kerry’s ticket. Edwards has done the whole run for president, run for vice president thing. I’m also on the record of threatening to shoot my TV if I hear John talk about his mill-working pappy one more time. We get it John. You couldn’t go to Yale like all the other senators.

Senator Evan Bayh (Indiana)

Pros: He’s a popular, young Midwestern guy that could actually put Indiana in play, which would totally stick it to the Republicans. He was also a staunch Hillary supporter, which may help heal some old wounds. Bayh was also a popular former Gov of Indiana.

Cons: Anybody remember the last time somebody picked a young, photogenic senator from Indiana to be their running mate?

Senator Joe Biden (Delaware)

Pros: Brings experience and strong foreign policy credibility to a ticket that currently lacks both. Biden would also do wonders in helping American children with their geography, by spurring them to look a map to find out just where the hell Delaware is. Biden also emits enough hot hair to completely solve our nation’s energy crisis.

Cons: Biden solving the energy crisis by blabbering does mean that we’re going to have to listen to a lot of Joe Biden. It might not be worth it.

Government Bureaucrat and Amateur Journalist Matt Brown (Ohio)

Pros: Would complete a demographic dream team. Nominating a democratic Mormon could cause tens of other Mormons to break away from decades of tradition and vote democratic as well. Matt also has the credibility to talk about issues that Ohioans really care about…football, highway construction, and more football (were you expecting foreign policy?)

Cons: Amending the constitution to make this happen may be a little more “change” than people are ready for.

Gov Kathleen Sebelius (Kansas)

Pros: Popular leader of a very red state, which shows that she’s bipartisan. She can bring a lot of the demographic positives of Hillary Clinton, without the scary baggage. Also, her dad was a Democratic Gov. of Ohio…so that’s cool.

Cons: Likely can’t deliver Kansas, and she’s old. Hillary-supports might throw an epic temper tantrum if there is a female VP not married to Bill Clinton as well. That will make bad television.

Rock Star Bruce Springsteen (New Jersey)

Pros: Completely negates the biggest fear about Obama…that he somehow isn’t “American”. It doesn’t get more American than Thunder Road and the E St Band! Springsteen’s flavor of “heartland rock” is popular with all generations, and all over the country. Do you want to attract a crowd of 40,000 to a campaign rally in Ohio? Now you can! People will actually watch C-Span and CNN! Plus, what do you think is going to go farther to repair America’s image in the world…some old dude from Virginia, or a Bruce Springsteen European tour?

Cons: There are absolutely no cons with this idea. This is the best idea I’ve ever had.

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