Downtown figures this whole 2008 election out

So, there is the rumor going around that a presidential election is coming up. Perhaps many of you are confused as to who these people are, who's going to win, and most importantly...who should I like? Instead of spending a bunch of time sifting through crap, researching, and developing your own opinion, I've taken care of all of that for you.

The Straight Dope on the Democrats:

Former Senator (NC) John Edwards: In 2004, Edwards rose to prominence because of his engaging, optimistic personality, his focus on the plight of the forgotten rural poor, and because, apparently, he's hot (well, he was standing next to John Kerry for 6 months, so its not hard to look like Brad Pitt). However, in the end, voters worried about his lack of experience...he had never held an executive office, he knew very little about foreign policy, and had barely been in Washington. We (the voters) said "John, you aren't so bad. Why don't you get some more experience, solve some more problems, and come back".

John Edwards responded by camping out in Iowa for 4 years, talking about poor farmers, and honing his populist message. So...now in 2008, he still doesn't have experience, his message is a little more tired, and he can't play the hot card anymore.

John Edwards, despite his Iowa camping trip, finished second, and is polling low in New Hampshire. Personally, while he might not be a bad guy, if I hear that "my daddy was poor textile mill worker", I might be sick all over my keyboard...and nobody wants that.

Sen. Hillary Clinton (NY): What more can I write about Hillary that hasn't been written a gazillion times (with more profanity and lesbian jokes) on the internet already?
Personally, I don't like (or trust) Hillary, even though I think her husband was awesome. Maybe its the flip flopping. Maybe its the grating personality. Maybe its the fact that 40% of the country hates her for no good reason. Maybe its because she doesn't play the sax like her husband. Actually, I'm pretty sure thats the real reason.

Hillary took it on the chin in Iowa, and is in a dogfight in New Hampshire. Somehow, she got stuck with the label of "protector of the status quo", and in case you haven't been paying attention, this election is all about CHANGE.

By the way, Hillary just said that she has 35 years of experience "making change". That means she's counting everything she's done since she got out of college. If thats the case, I have 8 years of experience making change, starting with my own body, during puberty.

Gov. Bill Richardson (NM)- For the life of me, I can't understand why everybody isn't demanding that Bill be our new president. He's been a congressman. He's been a Governor. He's been a UN ambassador. He's been the secretary of Energy. He stared down Saddam Hussien and Kim Jong and lived to tell about it. He's a badass! What are our problems now....a mess in the middle east? Congressional gridlock? a dependence on foreign oil? He's fixed all that stuff.

And nobody has heard of him! I feel for the poor guy...i'm watching the debates right now, and no matter what the question, the poor guy is practically jumping out of his chair to give everybody his resume. (well, he can't really jump, cause he's kinda fat). I like Bill a lot...but he's looking like he's going to be a great running mate for Obama or Clinton. Experience isn't sexy I guess.

Sen. Barack Obama (Illinois) You know, I was kinda lukewarm on this guy at first, because I'm somebody who really values experience, and Obama doesn't have a lot. However, he is bringing one thing to the table that none of the the other democrats can...he can inspire, and unite us, like nobody else. I want you guys to pay attention to this guy, because he could very well be the Bobby Kennedy of our generation.

Plus, if you look at his work in the senate, for a freshman, he got an awful lot done. Obama is blowing through the primaries, and could make a very solid, electable canidate...somebody who could really enact change.

Rep. Dennis Kucinich, Former Sen. Mike Gravel (AK)-Wait, these guys are still here? Didn't anybody tell you you lost?